When I rule the world…

Addendum to previous dictates:

  • Mowing your lawn before 9:00 am will be punishable by extraordinary forms of torture. 
  • People who let their dogs poop in my yard will be tied over a fire ant mound. If I step in said poop, they shall be lathered in honey first. 
  • Anyone who installs lights in their yard that light up my backyard like noon when it’s midnight, will be offered as sacrifices to Cthulhu. 
  • I shall put in charge of the Ministry To Make People Who Displease Me Cry. 
  • People with poodles will be shot. So will the damn poodle. Gods, I hate poodles. 
  • People who bake bread and make cheese will be rewarded handsomely. As will anyone who brings me a nice cup of coffee. (Organic, shade grown, fair trade, bird friendly, please.) 
  • Everyone will have equal rights, except the Republicans…who just deserve a decade or so of being discriminated against. They’ve got it coming. 

(Ya know, some mornings you just wake up feeling all imperial about the place, and are quite disappointed to find that you cannot have the neighbor beheaded for mowing his yard at 8:00 a.m. while his yappy poodle barks incessantly.)

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