Boinking the Mules and Raping the Watermelon

Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if they threw an election and one party won because of its firm commitment to moral values, a faith-based worldview and a stand against such repugnant deviancy as gay marriage? And wouldn’t it be even more hysterical if some of that party’s loudest advocates of moral values had in fact been boinking mules and watermelons, and treating their wives like prostitutes?

Hideous Kinkies — Rebecca Traister for Salon

Perhaps it was the slick way that Fox News stalwart Bill O’Reilly escaped his sex-capade embarrassment (loofahs, falafels… let’ s not relive it here) untarnished that has produced a veritable — should we say ejaculation? No we should not — explosion of distressing information about the sexual predelictions of some of the right wing’s biggest dicks.

A report last week on the blog News Hounds led us to a May 6 exchange between anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley and Alan Colmes on Colmes’ FOX News radio show. In the interview, Horsley, a vocally religious proponent of posting names of abortion doctors on the Web so that anti-abortion extremists will know how to find them, admitted to having engaged in bestiality.

“You had sex with animals?” Colmes asked, with regard to reports of Horsley’s past experience with bestiality and homosexuality. “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

When Colmes suggested that maybe that’s not the case for everyone who grows up on a farm in Georgia, Horsley shot back, “It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from reality … welcome to domestic life on the farm … You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You’re naïve…If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.” (And if it has ovaries, a vagina, and it has the ability to lactate, you might in fact make it your mission to take away its control of its own body!)

It is not without irony, folks, that the man’s name is Horsley.

Since listeners obviously just can’t get enough of this stuff, Horsley returned to Colmes’ radio show on Thursday, May 12 and allowed the host to press him on whether or not he’d also engaged in homosexual acts as a horny young buck. “Certainly,” responded Horsley. “If we had a warm watermelon out in the field, I might give it a name.”

Of course, watermelons and mules have no need for safe, legal and accessible reproductive rights.

In its reports on the Horsley confessions, News Hound also noted a conversation in March between Colmes and Randall Terry, the anti-abortion activist who worked on behalf of the Schindler family to keep the late Terry Schiavo alive. (Apparently, Colmes has become a kind of health-teacher/confessor for the junior high-school boys who make up the multi-tentacled life crusaders.) In Terry’s interview with Colmes about the Schiavo case and his past statements about his beliefs that abortion doctors should be executed, Terry bizarrely changed the subject and asked Colmes, “Are you drinking Red Bull … You’re like on drugs … Are you snorting coke? I think that it’s time that you and I just admit to the whole world that’s listening that we used to be homosexual lovers …” It seemed to be a joke , but an odd one coming from a loudly anti-gay Christian.

As if you haven’t yet had your fill of the secret lives of the religious right, there is this week’s report in The Nation exposing accusations against Dr. W. David Hager, the Christian anti-abortion activist ob-gyn that George Bush appointed to the FDA’s Advisory Committee for Reproductive Health Drugs in 2002. Hager has made it his mission to prevent emergency contraception from being sold over the counter (and has so far been successful) and has also campaigned to halt distribution of RU-486. He is the author of books like “As Jesus Cared for Women,” and is a member of Focus on the Family’s Physician Resource Council, and of the Christian Medical and Dental Society. The Nation quotes a passage from “As Jesus Cared for Women,” in which Hager writes, “Even though I was trained as a medical specialist, it wasn’t until I began to see how Jesus treated women that I understood how I, as a doctor, should treat them.”

Actually, according to his ex-wife Linda Davis (formerly Linda Carruth Hager), he treated women in a most un-Jesus-like manner — by sodomizing them against their will. Davis claims he anally raped her from 1995 to the time of their divorce — after 32 years of marriage — in 2002. “I probably wouldn’t have objected so much, or felt it was so abusive if he had just wanted normal [vaginal] sex all the time,” David told the Nation. “But it was the painful, invasive, totally nonconsensual nature of the [anal] sex that was so horrible.”

Davis also told the Nation that Hager had extramarital affairs, pressured her to let him videotape them having sex, and paid her to perform sexual acts she hated, like oral sex and sodomy. When she developed narcolepsy, she said, he began sodomizing her against her will while she slept. “Since [the sodomy] was painful and threatening, I woke up. Sometimes I acquiesced once he had started, just to make it go faster, and sometimes I tried to push him off … I would [confront] David later, and he would say, ‘You asked me to do that,’ and I would say, ‘No, I never asked for it.'”

In the wake of the Nation exposé, Hager has announced that he will not be seeking another term on the FDA’s advisory board when his term ends June 30. Perhaps now he’ll have time to visit Alan Colmes and really open up about his personal life.

Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if they threw an election and one party won because of its firm commitment to moral values, a faith-based worldview and a stand against such repugnant deviancy as gay marriage? And wouldn’t it be even more hysterical if some of that party’s loudest advocates of moral values had in fact been boinking mules and watermelons, and treating their wives like prostitutes?

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