Thank you to everyone for the notes, the calls and the energy about Poca. I’m sorry for not responding to each one individually, but so many of my friends have been so great. A huge, thank you to Bridgette for coming to take The Boy away from the vet’s office so that I had the option of letting Poca die in my arms. Even though I’ve explained it, The Boy doesn’t really seem to understand the concept of death. Perhaps I’m just not doing a good job with explanations. Metaphysics on the toddler level was something we never covered in graduate school…although, now that I think about it…could there be anything more important that being able to define it at such a simple level?
This morning, he climbed up on my lap and said “Momma, we need to go get Poca, we left her at the doctor’s office yesterday.” And like a big baby, I just started crying all over again. I explained that we weren’t going to see Poca again, (I haven’t figured out how to explain the little box that comes from the cremation place yet), he hopped off my lap, and went and got the big tub of organic cat nip and said “Here you go Mommy, this will always make Poca come out from her hiding place.” Which, ya know, had always been true.
I have a Sumerian statue of an earth goddess holding a big offering bowl on her lap, which is where I’ve always put offerings when people or animals cross the plane, so I went and got it down off the mantle, and the Boy and I put a big pile of catnip in it for Poca. (We put big piles out for the two remaining cats too, I mean, that’s only fair.)
I keep looking for her in her usual spots. There was no cat on my feet this morning, and no screaming for wet food at 3:00 am…and of course, because the universe has a very odd sense of humor, the first song I heard this morning when the alarm went off was Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”…which makes me cry anyway because I tie it so heavily to the death of Colin…and Colin loved Poca and Poca loved Colin, so to hear Colin’s song first thing this morning made me weep like a baby. But maybe it’s just the universes way of telling me that it’s ok…just because things I love are gone where I can’t see or feel or feed them, doesn’t mean they’re really gone. Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better, I dunno.
Thank you all so much for the condolences, it was a great comfort and a help to me, and I’m so very grateful that I’m fortunate enough to have all of you in my life. Thank you so much for sharing your lives, your thoughts, and your hearts with me and for being such pillars of support. May you and yours always be blessed with the love I received from all of you.