Well, it would appear that the situation was a little more grave than I’d imagined. You see, I thought this was just a simple outbreak, not unlike those that gave us Keith Richards in the 60’s Joan Rivers in the 70’s, and the only thing that keeps Dick Cheney alive.
Well, even one who trains zombies can be mistaken, and in this case, it would appear I was. A bit of quick research would seem to suggest that the vector can be traced to the death of Mr. Wizard. Some conspiratorial types have been quick to suggest that it was he who unleashed the virus, which I can assure you is false.
It is only now, after his passing, that I can share the knowledge that he was indeed, one of the great zombie hunters of all time. His whole life was spent finding new and unusual ways to destroy zombies. You didn’t think he had David Letterman shake up a baby bottle full of club soda just to see the nipple expand did you? All of us who keep zombies were visited by Mr. Wizard at some point. In fact, it was his talent with rubber bands and a ball of pure sodium that put down the revolt my zombies launched after I got the laser sharks. Zombies are like children, so very territorial.
The zombies rose this time because they realized the Great Wizard had gone to the Great Choir Invisible. But all hope is not lost. Especially if you have puffer fish, but then, you already knew that. If only I knew where Owen was. He was so brilliant with zombie uprisings.
I’ve dispatched helicopters to rescue those within range. The rescuers will be hard to miss, being as I’ve sent my loin cloth clad ninja cabana boys with flame throwers. Thus far, I believe we’ve rescued a few, who are on the way back, but the rest…I just don’t know. I do hope someone remembers to pick up the caviar on the way back though. The end of the world really demands fishberry jam, don’t you think?