Dear Spammers,

No, I won’t cash a check for you, even if it is for 11 million dollars. Nor do I want to increase my girth, as I spend a lot of time eating yogurt and celery to do the direct opposite. Sure increasing my length would be nice, but then I’d have to get everything re-hemmed, and who has time for that?

No, you do not have a naked video of me. And frankly, if there were naked videos of a 20 year old me, I’d be the first to put em up. If only to prove that I did have a 24″ waist once. (Once. Ok, it was the cocaine years…but then, it was the 80’s. Cocaine was mandatory.)

I do not want to see hot young girls doing unspeakable things. Nor do I want to see hot young boys doing unspeakable things. What I’d like to see is some half naked yard guys edging the sidewalk. No, that’s not a euphemism, I just hate getting letters from the home owner’s association.

I am not tempted by your offers of penny stocks, your tragically misspelled offers of offshore drugs, nor your grammatically indecipherable attempts to sell what I can only assume is a verb of some sort.

Dear spammers, I am not your target demographic. Please to be leafing mi aloan naow!

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