I’m packing to move. This means that I finally have to deal with some of the stuff that up to this point I’ve been able to put aside to “deal with tomorrow”. It’s a Scarlett O’Hara thing I do.
But, there comes a point where you just can’t keep toting around boxes for decades, refusing to open them in case you find something icky from your past. So, today, I put on the big-girl pants and started going through the landmine boxes.
And while I did find stuff that made me cry…letters from friends who have died, announcements from friends I’ve lost touch with, pictures of people who I can no longer name, I also think I found redemption, and peace, and forgiveness. None of which are things one generally finds in a box.
I think today was the day when I could finally put the past behind me. I found a picture that reminded me why I was once in love with him. And a picture that reminds me why I still miss her, almost 20 years later. And pictures of us all on the beach, and in the jungles, and atop the ruins. And I could read the love letters and realize that broken hearts heal, that not all love is eternal, and that we can choose to remember the happy times, and forgive the bad ones.
I saw Montana through the eyes of a woman who loved it. I saw Scotland through the eyes of a friend who chose to end his life there. I saw myself through the eyes of a man who loved me then. I saw him though the lens of the girl I once was. I found old friends, and forgave old enemies. I cried. I laughed. I saved a memento of each. And then I lightened my load by getting rid of the rest.
As I fed each thing into the shredder, I lived the moment that created it. And then I let it go.
I feel disconnected, as though I’ve untied a huge part of my reality, but I also feel better. I’ve had my bonfire, and I feel lighter. I can look back now, not in anger, but in wonderment. I don’t know that I can be forgiven for some of the things I’ve done in my life…but I feel like I took a day to forgive anyone that I’d assigned as a shadow in my heart, and I feel good about it.
Disconnected. Discombobulated. But relieved, and happy, and moving forward.
All that said; I still think it’s a bit insane that I’ve got a giant box full of rocks, which I’ve apparently moved more than once.
I’ll think about that tomorrow.